Sunday, November 14, 2010

Sic semper tyrannis

Six pints of winter ale and SpaCx is officially in the books. But the big news is that my partner in grime is blowing town, down by law. Or something like that.

Andrew J. is moving to Allentown, Pa,, A-Town, to be a gear editor for some archaic form of media known as a magazine. Unfortunately, I forgot which one as I kinda zoned out during his mid-ride ramblings...blah, blah...Allentown...blah, blah...gear editor...blah, bladdy, blah...hipster apartment in fringe neighborhood - yadda - Billy Joel quote.

Quickly scanning the publisher site, I figured I could pick the publication out. Not so fast. Rodale News makes an awful lot of magazines. Pretty sure it wasn't Prevention, but after checking in on Women's Health, I spotted a section called 'Look Better Naked'  and recalling an article he wrote previously, I felt dead on.
Dorney Park, a must.
Andrew J. will have lots to do and see moving to the Lehigh Valley, so I thought it would be helpful if he had one 'gear review' in the bag, in his back pocket, up his sleeve, straight outta Saratoga. Here it is, no rights reserved on this bad boy, just Control-C, Control-V and call it a day.

Women's Health, Gear review, Andrew J. Bernstein, Gear Editor-and-Chief-and-Can 'o Corn
Premier Review

Carbon Equipe Bumpits, As seen on TV
"The trash washes up to shore, even in this landlocked place" - Tilly and the Wall

Newton Universal Performance Racer, Pink
The problem- You stow away the Manolos and strap on the Newtons, killing it all the way to the office only to find you're ten minutes late. Again. You break out the Schrodinger defense- since the manager could not see your cubicle, the manager could not, with absolute certainty, prove that you were not working. That leaves you in the paradoxical state of working and non-working simultaneously. You assert that you were working, despite still wearing your overcoat. It's a tough gambit. From behind the next cubicle, a pouf of bad dye-job hair bobs. And then the gum snaps. How did she get here before me? You left at the same time. And she lives two blocks further away?

In the urban canyons, most do not realize the impact of wind-resistance on pedestrian commuting. Until now. In a newly released, five-boroughs study from CUNY, researchers took a random sampling of administrative assistants, paralegals, dental hygienists and data-enterers to their mid-town wind tunnel facility and measured individuals' drag coefficients. Results were astonishing. On average, women are losing 5 second per city block from dirty air cavetating at the trailing edge of inefficient hair styles. Talk about your bad hair day.
Enter Bumpits. Creating a new hair profile that generates a higher air speed over top of the hair, while propagating a natural laminar flow, virtually eliminating the debilitating eddies that are keeping you from clocking in on time. Aggressive leading edge contour? Aggressive like a mother-in-law on Black Friday. Our reviewer found that not only did Bumpits get her across town faster with less physical effort, but also got her there with less interference. Nothing seems to say 'back off, bitch' like big hair. Street vendors cowered behind their tables, tourist scurried off the sidewalk into traffic, businessmen feigned dropping their cellphones. It just works. We dared the moles at CERN stop smashing little bitty-bits that no one can see (and therefore don't exist) and try to improve upon it. They failed.

Did we just finish the review without a single Snooki reference? So it goes.

Good luck Andrew, wear sunscreen.

1 comment:

Andrew J. Bernstein said...

Readers, fear not. No matter where I live I will still flood your inbox with Spa:cx-related email!

John,
Please, it's apple-C, apple-V. sheesh.