Sunday, September 25, 2011

Alternative Course of Action?

People stop me on the street all the time, and give me feedback and unsolicited advice on the 'best' cyclocross course.
* You should have more turns
* You should have less turns
* You should have rails to grind for time bonuses.
* You should have a tiger pit with punji stakes hidden somewhere on the course.
* You should stop playing with your bike and make something out of your life. (oops, childhood memory)

As this Ann Landersian barrage comes my way, I'm thinking, don't these people know that I've been working this out in my head since October 25th of last year? Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out...But they just keep buggin' me. So then, what lies ahead? Curious what geometric impossibilities we have conjured up? Andrew and I sum it up in three words:

Longer, Faster, Stronger
First Element, Like sands through the hourglass
After watching the pros school the run-up by riding up it, we will have to re-examine this element. The classic Belgian cross model of sand is deep, wide and long. And these sands of time(loss) seem to be an element unique to our course in the NYCross series. So how bad can it get? Imagine a veritable Sarlacc with caution tape on either side and without the smell of one thousand expressed anal glands of the undead.
Artist's Course Concept Rendering
Bob and Keith narrowly avoid digestion over one thousand years.
A quick note: a discussion of this scene from Jedi is perhaps the only thing I remember from a freshman college course. Really, I can't even remember which course. During the lecture, the professor informed us that we were not really seeing a protagonist-eating outer-space sand monster but instead Lucas' invocation of the trans-cultural symbol of a humongous vagina dentata. And Jabba was the counterpointed phallic symbol. Surprised that I still remember that one? I think I might have spilled my beer as well when that bomb dropped. Thanks for sharing, enjoy next time SyFy runs the trilogy.


Anyhoo, fanged naughty bits aside, we're thinking more sand. Because, where there's sand, there's suffering. And where there's suffering, there's cowbells. And I got a fever and the only prescription is...


Design Element the next
Since Dairy Queen, Kenner, Cinnabon, Lucasfilms, Robert Smithson, the Senator from Minnesota nor any representative from the extensive Phylum Mollusca refuses to make a donation to SpaCx despite key product placement with the spiral, I'm considering other options. (Don't tell Andrew, he loves the spiral, it'll be our secret.) I'm proposing a new element; It's a Bitch. (You'll have to go to your local creepy vintage vinyl shop for this one.) Does anyone know where they sell bulk treacle?


Sign up now and pre-order a t-shirt, as we're only ordering a limited run, and experience it all! Oh yeah, we might try to throw in some big, open, grassy driving sections too.

1 comment:

Andrew J. Bernstein said...

Spiral 4EVA!